Dreaming of a Red Christmas

The scene is set for the Labour Party’s Christmas Carol Service in Party HQ. Jeremy Corbyn is on stage.

Jeremy Corbyn: Welcome comrades to the Labour Party Christmas party; so good they named it twice!

Silence around the room

Jeremy Corbyn: Tories out!

All: TORIES OUT!!! {general cheering}

Jeremy Corbyn: Yes, as I said, welcome. Apologies for the extreme brightness in the room; Diane bought a few too many bulbs this year.

Diane Abbott: I. Decided. That investing. In fairy. Lights. From my local hardware. Store. Was a good idea. But, yes, I spent the. Entire budget. I got confused. With. The. Numbers.

Jeremy Corbyn: Easily done, easily done, just ask Liam Byrne. But don’t worry, when we’re in power there’ll be more than enough cash to go round, right John?

John McDonnell: Yes comrades, I’ll order the Treasury to fold all paper notes in half. I did the same myself the other day and thought I had twice as much cash in my pocket as I actually did, ha ha!

Jeremy Corbyn: Er, quite. Anyway, well done for sprucing up your sunglasses everyone. I think this office is now the brightest thing in the sky; brighter even than the North Star!

Voice from the back: Actually it’s a common misperception that the North Star is the brightest in the sky…

Jeremy Corbyn: Yes, thankyou Hilary…

Hilary Benn: I just feel honour-bound to point out where the leadership has got it wrong…

Jeremy Corbyn: And I thank you for your insight and honesty; you know how much I welcome feedback and friendly criticism.

Hilary Benn: Can I just say that…mmmmpfpff..

Hilary Benn is muscled away from the stage by two black duffel coat-wearing figures in sunglass

Jeremy Corbyn: I’m glad to see you’ve all voluntarily arranged yourselves into centrally-organised groups for the carols. Let’s start with our old friend and party loyalist – just look at his nose! – Rudolph!

The gathering breaks half-heartedly into Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer but barely gets through the first verse.

Voice from the crowd: JEREMY, I’M NOT HAPPY!

Jeremy Corbyn {squinting into the crowd}: For the love of Marx! What’s that?

A woman in fancy dress wearing a huge green satin ball with two spiky leaves poking out barges her way to the front of the crowd as the singing dies out

John McDonnell: It’s Emily. She dresses up as the Holly ‘Thorn’ Berry every bloody year.

Emily Thornberry: Jeremy, I don’t think we should be celebrating in song the victimisation of workers and encouraging a culture of workplace bullying.

Jeremy Corbyn: What?

Emily Thornberry: Well look, there’s plucky little Rudolph, doing his bit, while all the other reindeer laugh and call him names. They won’t even let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games!

Jeremy Corbyn: Well I hardly think…

Emily Thornberry: And then, AND THEN, when the Tory manifesto has really hit the fan..

All: YAY!!!

Emily Thornberry: Yes, along comes the first foggy winter’s night and Santa, the work-shy elf-exploiter; the man who has presided over this system of harassment and intolerance; the supposed seasonal expert who hasn’t even winter-proofed his vehicle, has to turn to dear old Rudolph so his red nose can light his way!

Jeremy Corbyn: Yes, fair point. I’m not having it. There can never be any excuse for the abuse of one reindeer by another reindeer. I have a simple message for Santa and it is this: you wear red, it’s about time you started acting red!

All: YAY!!!

Jeremy Corbyn: Thankyou, thankyou. Now let’s try another. Nothing says controversy-free Christmas like the lovely jingling of bells!

The crowd groans their way into Jingle Bells, but don’t get far.

Voice from the crowd: THIS IS MODERN DAY SLAVERY!

Jeremy Corbyn: Hugo’s ghost, what now?

Shami Chakrabarti: A one-horse open sleigh? Britain has the highest level of adult obesity in Europe and we expect a pair of canoodling fast-food addicts, no doubt carrying gallons of sugary drinks, to be pulled merrily along by one poor horse?

Jeremy Corbyn: I, er, I thought it was a merry-go-round.

John McDonnell: LIKE THE TORY FRONT BENCH!

All: YAY!!!

Shami Chakrabarti: No, Jeremy, it’s quite clear. Over the fields we go, LAUGHING ALL THE WAY! Well I’m not laughing, and I don’t think the millions of animal-lovers in this country would laugh either if they knew the level of exploitation that was happening in the name of festive fun.

Jeremy Corbyn: Absolutely Shami. I’ve long demanded a new model of equine management to replace the failed dogmas of neoliberal Christmas celebration.

John McDonnell: Jeremy, get on with it. They love your speeches but you’ve not yet managed to translate any of their support into completing an actual Christmas song.

Jeremy Corbyn: Right, right. Well comrades, what could be more trouble-free than a rendition of We Wish You A Merry Christmas?

Voice from the crowd: As long as we all remember it’s ‘kin’ not ‘king’; the common misperception…

Jeremy Corbyn: SHUT UP HILARY!

Len McCluskey leaps onto the stage.

Len McCluskey: MY MEMBERS REFUSE TO SING A SINGLE WORD UNTIL WE GET GUARANTEES ABOUT FIGGY PUDDING!

Jeremy Corbyn: Yes, yes, Len, whatever you say.

Len McCluskey: AND CUPS OF GOOD CHEER FOR ALL MEMBERS!

All: YAY!!!

Jeremy Corbyn: Of course Len. John, enough in the kitty for every comrade to have a cup of good cheer?

John McDonnell: I doubt it, Diane’s blown the lot!

A mince pie is thrown from the crowd and hits Len McCluskey.

Voice from the crowd: Clear off McCluskey, you’re the ghost of Labour Past!